2009 rewind

I finally got to writing my 2009 rewind post, 18 days after New Year’s Eve. You might say it’s quite late but I believe some things may not be rushed, they should rather come to you and be received when they are ripe and ready, no sooner. My last year was full of work events – changing my job again, coming back to gv, coming back to Białystok etc. And although I’m grateful and thankful for all the above, I must say when I think of the essence of 2009 for me, my thoughts start to move in another direction (not as distant as you might see it, though). I believe I finally found my spot/my place in life, where I feel good, where I am fully me and which had, however, been to be found rather in the inside than in the outside reality – an almost obvious truth, which came as a surprise.

2009 rewind

Hm… where to start? Guess will have to narrow down my list or will stop writing some time next year :).
The most important thing — gained first-hand experience of what it feels like to have a baby growing inside. Then, in August, became a mother. Me! A mother! Still can’t believe it myself. Since then have been falling more and more in love with my son although it wasn’t easy with the little terrorist at first. Now it’s a piece of cake. Can have at leat 10 children more :).
Started respecting and loving more many members of my closest family, since grew to understand certain things, and am grateful for their never-ending help.
Said ‘I’m sorry’ to a given person and now am proud of myself for doing so. Better late than never.
And am grateful for million other little things … It’s been a fantastic year :)

9002

A year of realisation that Earth is essentially a silent place and silence as such constitutes the deepest meaning of life. The questions asking what noise is, where it comes from, and how much meaning it carries seem easier to get answered.
February Having heard the pitiful demise of Radio 3 for quite some time I finally terminated this, spanning 30 years or so, love-hate relationship by simply turning the right knob off. Less noise, no regrets.
April A hit-and-miss affair with The Silent Way took into shape. Suddenly there was a whole new outlook on my own teaching. Tim Hahn, Glenys Hanson and Roslyn Young are all to be credited as the catalysts of the process. Susan Hill’s essay Silence, please! in Standpoint. magazine was equally important.
May Borah Bergman Trio made silences between sparse piano notes speak volumes in Luminescence, as did, later in the year, Mary Lou Williams (Black Christ of the Andes). True, obsessive sounds.
July The formidable silence of Drača Dolina with three tiny figures above it, climbing Vysoka.
August Discovering a silent Rome. Like that moment inside San Luigi dei Francesi when a strong, exasperated, demanding voice addressed the disrespectful, babbling crowd of tourists with one word – Silenzio! and the minute that followed.
October My father slipping into silence; Sleep inevitably repossessing his House.
November Flaubert revisited quite by chance – Three Short Works, most quiet, almost silent, translucent prose that cuts through you and grows.
December The joy of looking for best possible package for a one-off, limited Christmas edition of Thomas Merton’s Silence.

Four milestones down 2009

It was a year of saying ‘goodbye’ and ‘hello’, a year of departures and arrivals and a year of climbing: both literally and figuratively. It was also a year of learning to be detached from things that kept me dispersed. I am grateful to all friends, foes and strangers I met on my way this year for their gift of conversation. I wish for myself to have more fruitful and inspiring talks next year.
Four milestones of the year:

swimming pool – I finally overcame the fear of water and learnt to swim the crawl or even dive;

university – I finally managed to deal with the ten-year-old enterprise under the name of my being a student;

Krywan – I met there a monster of life and confirmed myself in belief that a winner is not the one who acts at all costs;

my husband – I fell in love with him, again :)

2009 Rewind

Thinking of the 2009 that is now gone, I think I could paraphrase a poem which I heard with some of the gv groups at the beginning of this year’s courses.
There was a hole. I noticed it. I fell into it. I got out. I walked on.
I came across it once more. I noticed it. I fell into it again. I got out again. I walked on.
I came across the hole…
I am becoming a different person even though I fall into the same hole again and again. It seems that noticing is more important than avoiding.
It is all quite optimistic I would say. Or is it not?

Epiphanies – watching Toto

The four days in Bagnena were the combination of extended Christmas magic, complete relaxation, oblivion and peculiar epiphanic experiences. As the New Year nights got longer, days grew shorter; densely packed with festive events they seemed refreshing and fulfilling. Unexpectedly, Bagnena had its rare moments of winter business, much of which focused simply on warming the place up. The thick stone walls, so blessed in summer, now made us all do the jobs some of us had never had a chance to try – chopping wood, keeping the fire alive and, since the bedrooms had no heating, preparing hot water bottles for the night. Lodged in one of the south-west bedrooms, I enjoyed all benefits of it. The sun woke me the moment it rose over the hills and kept warming the room for most of the day so the pile of heavy bedding on the king-sized antique bed always seemed to retain some warmth from the previous night. The walk to the bathroom, however, promptly reminded me of the true character of winter in Italian countryside. Typically, the first of us to enter the kitchen cum lounge had to make the fire and prepare coffee for those who had a lie-in, and over the next hour, joined in one by one, wrapped up in sweaters and scarves. Soon, by one o’clock, the temperature outside was high enough to allow an al fresco lunch on the terrace with the spectacular backdrop of gold-coloured slopes and snowy peaks beyond. That white-washed kitchen and the music room were the places where we huddled round fireplaces to start and end each day with drinks, roast almonds and chestnuts we had brought from walks in the surrounding wood, stories told, stories listened to …
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two thousand and eight pros and cons

Honestly? (pro)
‘Life’s a bitch and then you die’ (con)
No, I definitely haven’t come to terms with myself (con)
A wasted time? (con)
But who cares? (pro)
What choice is there anyway? (pro)
This’d probably be something completely different tomorrow (pro)
But it’d be too late, cause it’s today, the New Year’s Day, isn’t it? (pro)
See how relative things are (con)
No, I definitely have no will to continue until two thousand and eight, ten is enough (pro)

Before it’s too late

Most people I know make New Year’s promises. Sometimes they are really solemn, others are made because of a habit or routine. I don’t mean that they have no chance to keep them.
Do you know what is the most popular New Year’s resolution? – to lose weight or give up smoking. For some persons it’s a real challenge.
This year I made my resolution too: I promise myself to enjoy what I have, because we often appreciate the importance of people, feelings or things when we’ve lost them. So I’ll just try to be more contented, more happy before it’s late, before I become a bitter woman.

Epiphanies – Bagnena

It’s amazing that I should have come across those pictures now. Taken four years ago this week, a large set, salvaged from my old Mac, buried in a deeply nested folder on the hard drive. They tell many stories. Fast rewind.

Eight friends, all from the four corners of the world, flew to Italy to celebrate the New Year and a birthday in a Tuscan castello, a two-hour drive from Pisa. I, meanwhile, took a train from Rome where I had spent Christmas and was to return there after the New Year break in the hills. The solitude of an explorer gripped me when I got off the train in Arezzo and found myself among a handful of passengers on a slow train to Rassina, a small market-town, off the beaten track, at the bottom of the valley. The azure sky in December and half-barren hills, drenched in sunlight, heightened a sense of alienation that I always felt at provincial train stations and bus stops. A mini-bus with the burly woman driver took me from the square to the village of Talla, another half-an-hour winding ride uphill. The village looked small and ancient, but somehow gave the impression of being a secure place. I knew my destination, Bagnena, was very near, perhaps up the street round the corner. Rather than phoning my friends and letting them pick me up, I decided to walk but talking to the men in the bar made it obvious I was wrong. Apparently, there was Santa Bagnena – the village, and my Bagnena – the lonely villa I was heading for. In no time it was figured out how to get to the latter. Giuseppe, a scruffy, cheerful looking local, with a broad gap-toothed smile, was more than happy to take me there in his rusty Fiat that badly needed a mechanic and wash, just as its driver needed a shave before the New Year. It took his barking and coughing machine more than a quarter to reach the top of the steep hill, where, 3 kilometres from and 200 hundred metres above Talla, was Bagnena itself. Giuseppe refused to take any money for his stunt. I entered the building the moment my friends were getting ready for lunch.

The epiphany – true pilgrims do not have money on them.

Bagnena

2008 rewind (3)

Pros:
personal life blooming;
sadly, said goodbye to a few good colleagues but, happily, met new ones;
set up a new huuuge garden that’s going to look fantastic in a few years’ time;
got a nice, unexpected invitation to a New Year’s Eve party (turned it down, though);
got the best present in the world, which can unpack only in summer;

Cons:
who cares if there were any! :)

P.S. A Happy New Year to you all.

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