5 things that break my heart
by zuza_her_mother on December 3, 2009
in students
1. Jónsi’s scream in ‘Ný Batterí’. Sipmly. Doesn’t have a reason I guess. It just is.
2. The photo of C.McCandless, the one in the brown jacket, the one I’ve put on my pasteboard (?tablica korkowa?). Only seeing the picture brings me to an paradoxical swirl of emotions I cannot really understand nor name. Every time my sight wanders by it I freeze, like it was reminding me of something I should have done, but I didn’t; or something I should do, but I already know I won’t. Which is very disturbing.
3. The knowledge that one day, I will die for sure. Everybody dies. It’s undeniable.
It’s not that I’m scared to death (sic!) of what will happen when I kick the bucket. It’s just I’m having a great party here and I don’t want to leave. One day, it will be over. Which is as heartbreaking as knowing it.
4. That the world is ruled by the verb ‘HAVE’ and ‘WANT’. All right, nothing’s wrong in them directly, but aren’t we overusing them? These two verbs seem to like each other very much since they often come together as WANT TO HAVE. Which is bad, bad, bad. Slaves of possesions and assured of neccesity of all of our wants, that’s what we become.
Another evil verb is, in my opinion, HATE and HURT. Have you noticed that the h-words (HAVE, HATE, HURT) seem to be making us worse. Shun them please. We ought to.
5. I guess I break my hear myself. Doing things (stupid/unnecessary/I wouldn’t have done normally/I don’t want to do but I do out of conformistic reasons/insincere etc) or being (lazy/a liar/cruel/egoistic etc). Well, maybe it doesn’t break my heart, but it rots it. And conciousness that I can perform such actions breaks it. I know that some of them are the charms of life, and yet…
Zuza, I’ve been missing your posts and at long last you’re back. This one made me grab a dusty Sigur Ros disc and share your pensive mood. Some people may object to the phrase ‘kick the bucket’. I do. It seems alien amongst the things you say around it. Long before our heart stops we will have learned that it is precisely and only this great/miserable party we are having here that brings that heartbreaking sensation.
Keep writing. And ideally post at the weekend.